The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You were pouring Patron into the window of the squad car trying to get the police dog to drink it
So thats why that cop beat my ass?
Probably
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
