I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
Everything was going good until she wanted to update her status...You forgot to close pterodactyl porn from this morning. Clothes went back on.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
