hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Sarah just give sum homeless dude a lap dance, took like 2$ worth of change from his cup and was all like, "Biiitch, this aint free"..
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