I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
