I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
What's a "vodkaffle"?
It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Taco Bell is better for you than cocaine, I promise.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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