If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
Is it a bad thing for a seven year old to call one an alcoholic? Asking for a friend..
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
