we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
definitely just forgot to put car in park in front of a police officer and ran into a bush.
We got the DJ into it too! "If there are any dudes into other dudes out there, my man mark is looking to get pounded. Buy him a drink stat!"
Let's fuck under the stars. And by under the stars I mean in my bed underneath my glow in the dark star stickers.
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Randomize
