Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
I hope you shit your pants in a socially devastating situation.
Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
