its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
Barsexuality is the new black.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
