But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
We probably shouldn't have humped each other in a stairwell for an hour. that was probably my bad
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
