...so i touched it.
also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
You can't see him, he's in front of the dildo, but Amelia Earhart is blocking your view.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
I'll be honest. I knew what I was getting into. I'm not proud, but I'll be damned if I'm ashamed. 6 month draught is over. That's justice.
I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
Please tell me why I’m standing naked in the kitchen drinking pickle juice out of the jar & there is a container of potatoe salad with no lid & a spoon in it on the floor 🤦♀️
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
