I think your mom looks like a breed of donkey and elephant, but her boobs are perfect
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
On one hand it was kinda weird his girlfriends stuff was at his apartment. On the other hand it was kinda nice because she had great shampoo
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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