I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
You sucked a guys dick who's name was Chad and that wasn't a sign that it was a bad idea?!
Relaxed was like phase 1 of this phase 7 high
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
I'm sitting in the car vaping at an elementary school to try and deal with the stress of existing. About how i thought being 30 would go for me tbh
Randomize
