she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
Even my Mr Clean Magic Eraser can't make last night disappear.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
There will always be a place in my black heart for him because he gave me my first sex-induced orgasm. While you slept on the bunk above.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
i love how you just walk into that dealer's house every time without knocking, yet you don't even know his name
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
