I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Randomize
