The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Naked. naked and bneed help.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
