The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
One of these days I would like to go out drinking and stick to plan of just getting drunk and not be sidetracked with other people's plans of doing drugs along the way. I didn't even want to not feel my teeth tonight but here we go just another Thursday night when you live I live
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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