Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Liz and I are now offficially highest. OH, and your girlfriend may be a vampire. Heads up. SPARKLESSSSS
Put my glitter back.
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Possibly having a threesome with my ex boyfriend and his current girlfriend was great closure on that subject
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Haha we both slept with guys named Brad born on may 1st. This is a proud day for sisters.
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
Randomize
