Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Look, I tried but his dick tasted like disappointment.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
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