we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he literally just asked me which v neck he should wear tomorrow.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
