Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I flashed a party boat full of Asians yesterday, didn't I?
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
Some nights you do cocaine till 5:00 in the morning, and the next night you teach yourself how to crochet. It’s called balance.
Randomize
