I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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