She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
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