I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
i have a real life question, do ur boyfriends pretend to be vampires ever?
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
