note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
