Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
Randomize
