im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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