i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
i woke up in just my socks. my clothes were outside, he had rugburn on his elbows, and a window was broken.
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
Randomize
