Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.
took some adderal to make my alochol withdrawl less shitty. now im just concentrating on how badly i need a drink
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Is it weird that I'm mad at my boss because he isn't paying me enough attention? Maybe my dad issues are worse than I thought
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
