I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
He's laying next to me passed out dressed as a hooters girl
I bet he's a super pretty hooters girl
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
