I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Well despite the fact that I'm still not entirely sure this isn't an elaborate/cunning plan to kill me, I'm in.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
