Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
