At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
so he came over for the first time and i completely forgot i had pictures of him printed out from facebook on my wall and a newspaper article with him in it.. you can guess that it lead for an awkward situation.
for real. he might as well bring dogs if they're lower than a 7.
Just had a flashback of you announcing "your nipples aren't that big for the size of your boobs, I've seen them"
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
i didnt think "maybe you should take over" was a good thing to say when i couldnt get it up
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I have a fannypack full of condoms and acid. Let's get weird.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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