i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
i keep replaying things i did last night. and remembering new things. and its a constant cycle of torture
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
It was kind of like hidden Mickey ears, but with dicks.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
