I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Can I put tequila in the fish bowl? I think he wants to party too
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
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