where am i from again
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Randomize
