i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
We were destined to go to rehab together
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
