i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
the condom is still stuck, that's what I get for being responsible
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
Randomize
