also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
The fuck-me-pumps were hot, the XL hoody kinda ruined it.
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
Randomize
