There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
Hooked up with a guy solely because he had a chameleon. Priorities.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
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