OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
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