I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Update: they told me I was twerking to twenty one pilots
We did hand stuff while watching teenage mutant ninja turtles so I guess you could say it's getting serious
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
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