my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
