community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
If there was a build-a-penis, I would build that penis.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Would it defeat the purpose of a run if I ran to McDonalds?
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
