Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
I've literally slept one hour I'm honestly just surprised you can insult me this early
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