Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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