my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
dude, no lie, I would make out with you in front of them wearing nothing but a rainbow colored speedo
I ran into a hotel and told the doorman he was doing a great job. That was before you cried on my jacket.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Randomize
