I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
When Pony by ginuwine plays I pretty much just grind on the nearest penis.
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
Randomize
