Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
So I bet a guy he could drink two irish car bombs faster than me and I lost. now he gets to name our first son. sory.
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
Randomize
