just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Signs of a stoner: trying everything in your fridge topped with peanut butter to seek satisfaction.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
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